MEDITATE ON THAT
Written by Julie Todd
for General Conference 2008 in Forth Worth, Texas

Sit here, wait
to see what comes
What comes when I meditate on General Conference
meditate          on                    general                         conference
I decide
“meditate” & “General Conference”
do not belong in the same sentence

What comes
is a slightly queasy feeling
excitement-anxiety-anger
that if I stayed with long enough
Might actually make me puke

What comes?

from the past
Blank stares, that’s what comes.
Parades of delegates
walk by our demonstrations
they look without looking
while we
open doors
block driveways
stand silently
kneel on pavement
offer water
pray
hold signs
sing
cry
Blank stares
from disembodied loyal middle mediocrity
no com/passion in what comes

Occasionally other
Offer words and gestures
Come
sympathetic nods
thumbs-ups
contempt
thank yous
questions
what have you
which mostly leave me as cold as the blank stares

I am not there for them
I am not there to convince them of anything, anymore
I am there for us
I am there to be us
To come
As
Queer
Creative
Outraged
Out-rage-us
Hilarious
Demanding
Delightful
Resistant
Serious
Crazy

Having more fun
Laughing more raucously
Shedding more tears
Grieving deeply
Singing more loudly
And beautifully
Holding gratefully
Communing with
Pursuing passionately
the God of Life who comes
Regardless.

I will meditate on that.